Episode 5: High Octane

Now wait just a minute. I thought that Uncle Jesse was always true to his pact with the US of A federal government where he wouldn't make moonshine to keep Bo and Luke out of jail. It turns out that all of that was just a bunch of hooey.

The Dukes start out the day in typical sun shiny Hazzard style. First they get a new revenue agent to report to who's a woman who tells them she'd never make a deal with moonshiners and then Roscoe gets them for a brake light in the hallway. Just typical. What's more Roscoe is certain they're moonshining, so they walk outside and buy a bunch of copper tubing with no purpose in mind for it. They call that country smarts. Roscoe calls it moonshining. He and the revenue agent are in hot pursuit.

So the Dukes drive to the Boar's Next where Boss Hogg is on them like white on his suit in the parking lot. By my reckoning, I figure we've seen about 13 minutes of their day. Boss wants Jesse to make moonshine to win a $20,000 prize in an alternative fuel contest. Luke argues that it would release the grip that the A-rabs have on us. They appeal to his sense of patriotism and up the mountain to the still they go. You see, Jesse's going to break his pact with the US of A federal government for the US of A.

While Roscoe ponders what kind of fuel fossils run on, he and Boss hear a loud explosion. Boss orders Roscoe not to bust them until they finish and transport it. You see, that way Boss figures he'll get $20,000 and send the Dukes up the river. The only problem is that Roscoe fired up the revenue agent who tracked the Dukes when they fired up their still. Enticing Jesse to suggest bringing it down just a mite, she sniffs the still and passes out. So they pour the shine into the creek and she wakes up. With no evidence she has to let them go for the time being and take Luke's story about making fuel for a contest. She doesn't like that so the Dukes say they'll make a 24 hour truce where she can stay at the farm and sleep with Daisy, then try to bust them after they make a batch. Friends, I'd take that offer and so did she. I don't see anything wrong with that either.

So she's taking a bath with Daisy in a big tub in the kitchen while Daisy is bragging about how all the revenuers that the Dukes have gone through send them Christmas cards. I don't have to wonder why Bo wants in the kitchen so bad. Of course it's because they want to take her out jukin'. That means that they drink water while they take her to the Boar's Nest and get her hammered. I think I want to go jukin'.

That part of the plan worked. The next morning she busts the Duke boys...for water. Then Roscoe nails all three of them for being in cohoots of...water. After Enos hauls them in, Bo and Luke break away by threatening to drop a lit match into...water. By now, you're probably wondering where the moonshine is. You're probably wondering where Uncle Jesse is, too. That's good wondering.

Roscoe and Boss weren't wondering. They stop Jesse and off to the contest goes Boss Hogg with a couple of jugs of...water. Boss declares that his shine/fuel (yep, water) will keep them A-rabs off of our backs and is proven wrong. Jesse pops in at the end of the contest and wouldn't you know it, his shine beats water and horse shit to take first prize. The judge won't give the award winning shine to the revenuer, who also showed up, and she gets mad.

Jesse protests when they determine that shine is too hard to make as it's hard to deliver. Why you've got to pour it in your gas tank, get the revenuer drunk, trick the sheriff, blah blah blah. Then they leave without the prize money and get chased until they run out of shine/gas. The good news is that they don't get in any trouble. The bad news is that they made shine for the soul purpose of proving that its a better fuel than water or horse shit and go back to the farm where they're so poor and hungry that they tend to the chickens so they don't starve to death before Boss Hogg comes up with another scheme to put them permanently behind bars.

Episode 4: Repo Men

Y'all remember Boss's wife and Roscoe's fat sister Lulu? Well let me tell you something. When old Lulu wants something, she's accustomed to getting it. The way that she gets it is that Boss has a hand in most business in Hazzard, both legal and illegal. For example, take the used car lot where they change the serial numbers and re-sell stolen cars. That's one's illegal.

Ace Parker is the car dealer. They had 11 cars, 8 of which were stolen. Lulu sees a Rolls Royce being sold and complains that she wants it saying "I just have to have it. That car is me all over it." I'm sure it would be if she ever tried to drive it.

Wouldn't you just know that the Duke boys show up because they see a car the Richard Petty wrecked doing tire commercials the week before. Instead of working at the farm, they intend to raise money by winning a big race Saturday. Lulu cries her eyes out and Boss rips up the check and orders Ace to repossess the car. Ace doesn't like this very much because the clients were 'big and tough and yankee talking'. Guess who ends up going to repossess the car?

Ace wants $700 for the car but the Dukes haven't made that much in a year since they stopped making moonshine, but says he'll take $200 if they repossess the car. The problem is that these guys are bad news. You know they're making money somehow buying a Rolls Royce, but we come to find out that they're really making money. Hidden inside the car are their counterfeiting plates. As Boss and Ace assign the titles for junked cars to the lot, the unsuspecting Dukes go out to repossess the Rolls Royce. Boss plans to nail them for car theft while they do it.

So after Jesse rails at them for repossessing a car because it ain't neighborly, Bo gets to the front door and a doberman, a few bullets and a little chase through the woods later, attempt number one comes to an end. Lulu tells Boss that it's okay and that he can get one just like it in Atlanta for $67,436.58. Ace gives the Dukes the car for $200 and Roscoe and Enos set out to nail them for car theft. Enos complains that it's not fair and Roscoe complains about not getting a pension. The Duke boys can't afford a lawyer, so they get Jesse who tells them that they're screwed if they go to trial. So they go see Boss who tells them that he'll drop the charges if they get the Rolls Royce.

The next thing you know, Enos is telling Daisy that Roscoe is going to nail them anyway, so the Dukes decide to get Cooter and get the car back. I'm not sure how they came to that decision either but they really appeared to put some thought into it. Maybe it'll work out. Maybe.

While they put spikes on the sides of Cooter's truck Jesse explains that they don't run. It's not because they're Dukes, it's because they have nowhere else to go. Fascinating. Repo attempt number two starts off simple. They sneak in and see the big guy guarding the car with a shotgun. Cooter reassures Luke that the bigger they come the harder they hit and they bust in and get the car while the doberman must have been sleeping or something. Its car chase and fiddle music time. Bo drives Cooter's truck and spikes the bad guy's car into oblivion before flipping it in spectacular fashion. I think it's working until....

Roscoe takes the Rolls Royce and leaves them on the side of the road. So that night, the Dukes and Cooter take every car on the lot and crush them and put them in Ace's garage. The next morning the Dukes, Boss and Lulu, Roscoe and the bad guys all show up where Roscoe see's a counterfeit plate and runs the bad guys out of the county. Somehow the Dukes didn't get charged with anything at all since they still could have gone in the hole for car theft or destroying nine cars including a Rolls Royce. About 10 cars had to die, Boss got nothing, Lulu got nothing, I just don't get it. We never did find out who won the race either. Now I'm really confused but the music is playing and they're showing people's names and that clip of Roscoe chasing the General Lee, who sat most of this one out, around the tree. I guess this sucker is over and I wonder what is going to do if and when Lulu clams up. Honest. I'd tell you if I knew.