Episode 5: High Octane

Now wait just a minute. I thought that Uncle Jesse was always true to his pact with the US of A federal government where he wouldn't make moonshine to keep Bo and Luke out of jail. It turns out that all of that was just a bunch of hooey.

The Dukes start out the day in typical sun shiny Hazzard style. First they get a new revenue agent to report to who's a woman who tells them she'd never make a deal with moonshiners and then Roscoe gets them for a brake light in the hallway. Just typical. What's more Roscoe is certain they're moonshining, so they walk outside and buy a bunch of copper tubing with no purpose in mind for it. They call that country smarts. Roscoe calls it moonshining. He and the revenue agent are in hot pursuit.

So the Dukes drive to the Boar's Next where Boss Hogg is on them like white on his suit in the parking lot. By my reckoning, I figure we've seen about 13 minutes of their day. Boss wants Jesse to make moonshine to win a $20,000 prize in an alternative fuel contest. Luke argues that it would release the grip that the A-rabs have on us. They appeal to his sense of patriotism and up the mountain to the still they go. You see, Jesse's going to break his pact with the US of A federal government for the US of A.

While Roscoe ponders what kind of fuel fossils run on, he and Boss hear a loud explosion. Boss orders Roscoe not to bust them until they finish and transport it. You see, that way Boss figures he'll get $20,000 and send the Dukes up the river. The only problem is that Roscoe fired up the revenue agent who tracked the Dukes when they fired up their still. Enticing Jesse to suggest bringing it down just a mite, she sniffs the still and passes out. So they pour the shine into the creek and she wakes up. With no evidence she has to let them go for the time being and take Luke's story about making fuel for a contest. She doesn't like that so the Dukes say they'll make a 24 hour truce where she can stay at the farm and sleep with Daisy, then try to bust them after they make a batch. Friends, I'd take that offer and so did she. I don't see anything wrong with that either.

So she's taking a bath with Daisy in a big tub in the kitchen while Daisy is bragging about how all the revenuers that the Dukes have gone through send them Christmas cards. I don't have to wonder why Bo wants in the kitchen so bad. Of course it's because they want to take her out jukin'. That means that they drink water while they take her to the Boar's Nest and get her hammered. I think I want to go jukin'.

That part of the plan worked. The next morning she busts the Duke boys...for water. Then Roscoe nails all three of them for being in cohoots of...water. After Enos hauls them in, Bo and Luke break away by threatening to drop a lit match into...water. By now, you're probably wondering where the moonshine is. You're probably wondering where Uncle Jesse is, too. That's good wondering.

Roscoe and Boss weren't wondering. They stop Jesse and off to the contest goes Boss Hogg with a couple of jugs of...water. Boss declares that his shine/fuel (yep, water) will keep them A-rabs off of our backs and is proven wrong. Jesse pops in at the end of the contest and wouldn't you know it, his shine beats water and horse shit to take first prize. The judge won't give the award winning shine to the revenuer, who also showed up, and she gets mad.

Jesse protests when they determine that shine is too hard to make as it's hard to deliver. Why you've got to pour it in your gas tank, get the revenuer drunk, trick the sheriff, blah blah blah. Then they leave without the prize money and get chased until they run out of shine/gas. The good news is that they don't get in any trouble. The bad news is that they made shine for the soul purpose of proving that its a better fuel than water or horse shit and go back to the farm where they're so poor and hungry that they tend to the chickens so they don't starve to death before Boss Hogg comes up with another scheme to put them permanently behind bars.

Episode 4: Repo Men

Y'all remember Boss's wife and Roscoe's fat sister Lulu? Well let me tell you something. When old Lulu wants something, she's accustomed to getting it. The way that she gets it is that Boss has a hand in most business in Hazzard, both legal and illegal. For example, take the used car lot where they change the serial numbers and re-sell stolen cars. That's one's illegal.

Ace Parker is the car dealer. They had 11 cars, 8 of which were stolen. Lulu sees a Rolls Royce being sold and complains that she wants it saying "I just have to have it. That car is me all over it." I'm sure it would be if she ever tried to drive it.

Wouldn't you just know that the Duke boys show up because they see a car the Richard Petty wrecked doing tire commercials the week before. Instead of working at the farm, they intend to raise money by winning a big race Saturday. Lulu cries her eyes out and Boss rips up the check and orders Ace to repossess the car. Ace doesn't like this very much because the clients were 'big and tough and yankee talking'. Guess who ends up going to repossess the car?

Ace wants $700 for the car but the Dukes haven't made that much in a year since they stopped making moonshine, but says he'll take $200 if they repossess the car. The problem is that these guys are bad news. You know they're making money somehow buying a Rolls Royce, but we come to find out that they're really making money. Hidden inside the car are their counterfeiting plates. As Boss and Ace assign the titles for junked cars to the lot, the unsuspecting Dukes go out to repossess the Rolls Royce. Boss plans to nail them for car theft while they do it.

So after Jesse rails at them for repossessing a car because it ain't neighborly, Bo gets to the front door and a doberman, a few bullets and a little chase through the woods later, attempt number one comes to an end. Lulu tells Boss that it's okay and that he can get one just like it in Atlanta for $67,436.58. Ace gives the Dukes the car for $200 and Roscoe and Enos set out to nail them for car theft. Enos complains that it's not fair and Roscoe complains about not getting a pension. The Duke boys can't afford a lawyer, so they get Jesse who tells them that they're screwed if they go to trial. So they go see Boss who tells them that he'll drop the charges if they get the Rolls Royce.

The next thing you know, Enos is telling Daisy that Roscoe is going to nail them anyway, so the Dukes decide to get Cooter and get the car back. I'm not sure how they came to that decision either but they really appeared to put some thought into it. Maybe it'll work out. Maybe.

While they put spikes on the sides of Cooter's truck Jesse explains that they don't run. It's not because they're Dukes, it's because they have nowhere else to go. Fascinating. Repo attempt number two starts off simple. They sneak in and see the big guy guarding the car with a shotgun. Cooter reassures Luke that the bigger they come the harder they hit and they bust in and get the car while the doberman must have been sleeping or something. Its car chase and fiddle music time. Bo drives Cooter's truck and spikes the bad guy's car into oblivion before flipping it in spectacular fashion. I think it's working until....

Roscoe takes the Rolls Royce and leaves them on the side of the road. So that night, the Dukes and Cooter take every car on the lot and crush them and put them in Ace's garage. The next morning the Dukes, Boss and Lulu, Roscoe and the bad guys all show up where Roscoe see's a counterfeit plate and runs the bad guys out of the county. Somehow the Dukes didn't get charged with anything at all since they still could have gone in the hole for car theft or destroying nine cars including a Rolls Royce. About 10 cars had to die, Boss got nothing, Lulu got nothing, I just don't get it. We never did find out who won the race either. Now I'm really confused but the music is playing and they're showing people's names and that clip of Roscoe chasing the General Lee, who sat most of this one out, around the tree. I guess this sucker is over and I wonder what is going to do if and when Lulu clams up. Honest. I'd tell you if I knew.

Episode 3: Mary Kaye's Baby

You know, probation in Hazzard County is a funny thing. The last things that you want to do are get caught with moonshine or a gun, but you can dynamite as much of whoever's property you want.
This one starts with Roscoe and Enos chasing the Duke boys in Cooter's car, which happens to be full of moonshine. You see, all of Boss Hogg's shine runners were away at the church fish fry so Cooter was recruited for a run. Of course nobody told the Duke boys that. They stop to pick up Mary Kaye Porter on the side of the road, and friends, she's all kinds of knockered up. She's running out on her man to have her baby in Florida for no other reason than she heard that it was nice. She's pretty worldly for Hazzard County. She's heard of Florida.
They lose Roscoe and Enos and Cooter's car breaks down. Being good old boys, they decide to help out any way they can and try to slip all 10 of their dollars into Mary Kaye's suitcase, only to find it stuffed with cash.
Back at the Boar's Nest, Boss Hogg has visitors from Atlanta. See, Chicago had Al Capone but Atlanta had a guy worse named McQuade. While Boss's cigar rests in his ash tray that looks just like the one I bought for 50 cents from Sgt. Tunabreath, McQuade is bemoaning to Boss his loss of $118,254.37. The funny thing is, I don't remember seeing any coins in that suitcase, just a whole mess of bills.
What ensues is a story of a bad woman who seems to try to go out of her way to get the Duke boys killed so that her baby can have the money. She feels he's due it in child support, even though she's skipping out on her boyfriend who stole it in the first place. Ain't Hazzard girls sweet?
So Jesse and Daisy dupe Roscoe into camping out at the Duke farm while the boys fix the car. Just as they get it fixed, McQuade shows up and puts a gun in Luke's face. Mary Kaye, honey that she is, refuses to give back the money. The Dukes take off, McQuade loses a car door, Luke keeps his face, and Bo gets bitten on the arm for trying to get rid of it.
I reckon that I never will figure out country smarts because they bring her to the Duke farm to have the baby. Maybe the maid in Gone With the Wind don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no babies and a few painful minutes, and gulps of Jesse's shine later, there's two of them. I wonder which one'll go blind first.
As if on queue, the bad guys show up and chase Bo and Luke around the farm. At one point, Luke gets cornered, but manages to outrun 3 or 4 bullets. What's wrong? You don't believe he could? I'll bet I could if I was that scared. In fact, I could run circles around old Bo. He only outran two bullets.
What happens next is like a cross between Deliverence and Apocolypse Now, only this seemed to take a lot longer. You've got bad guys with guns and Duke boys with bows and arrows running around in the woods. McQuad backs up to Boss Hogg's car (you know he can sniff out anything over $50 from 10 miles away) and Boss chastises him for using guns, adding that nobody needs to get hurt and orders him back to Atlanta.
That doesn't work, but Roscoe shows up and shoots one of the bad guys in the toe. As Enos handcuffs him to the Dukes' porch, he informs him that, "You won't play football no more, boy." This buys time for the Dukes to make up a dynamite arrow, Luke and McQuade have a standoff, Bo jumps McQuade, then Luke proceeds to dynamite Cooter's car for no good reason. You know, pretty standard stuff. There's a lack of evidence, you can blow up what you want as longs as you don't have shine or guns, etc.
Friends, that's how the Dukes helped to steal a stolen $118,254.37 for someone who was 14 minutes and 37 seconds old, and I'd figure unable to really appreciate it. Remember old Cooter? Well guess what he got. That's right, he gets to do what he loves, work with his hands, and try to put back together the charred bits of his car that are scattered over half of the county. That boy sure is lucky to have friends like the Dukes.

Episode 3: Mary Kaye's Baby

You know, probation in Hazzard County is a funny thing. The last things that you want to do are get caught with moonshine or a gun, but you can dynamite as much of whoever's property you want.
This one starts with Roscoe and Enos chasing the Duke boys in Cooter's car, which happens to be full of moonshine. You see, all of Boss Hogg's shine runners were away at the church fish fry so Cooter was recruited for a run. Of course nobody told the Duke boys that. They stop to pick up Mary Kaye Porter on the side of the road, and friends, she's all kinds of knockered up. She's running out on her man to have her baby in Florida for no other reason than she heard that it was nice. She's pretty worldly for Hazzard County. She's heard of Florida.
They lose Roscoe and Enos and Cooter's car breaks down. Being good old boys, they decide to help out any way they can and try to slip all 10 of their dollars into Mary Kaye's suitcase, only to find it stuffed with cash.
Back at the Boar's Nest, Boss Hogg has visitors from Atlanta. See, Chicago had Al Capone but Atlanta had a guy worse named McQuade. While Boss's cigar rests in his ash tray that looks just like the one I bought for 50 cents from Sgt. Tunabreath, McQuade is bemoaning to Boss his loss of $118,254.37. The funny thing is, I don't remember seeing any coins in that suitcase, just a whole mess of bills.
What ensues is a story of a bad woman who seems to try to go out of her way to get the Duke boys killed so that her baby can have the money. She feels he's due it in child support, even though she's skipping out on her boyfriend who stole it in the first place. Ain't Hazzard girls sweet?
So Jesse and Daisy dupe Roscoe into camping out at the Duke farm while the boys fix the car. Just as they get it fixed, McQuade shows up and puts a gun in Luke's face. Mary Kaye, honey that she is, refuses to give back the money. The Dukes take off, McQuade loses a car door, Luke keeps his face, and Bo gets bitten on the arm for trying to get rid of it.
I reckon that I never will figure out country smarts because they bring her to the Duke farm to have the baby. Maybe the maid in Gone With the Wind don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no babies and a few painful minutes, and gulps of Jesse's shine later, there's two of them. I wonder which one'll go blind first.
As if on queue, the bad guys show up and chase Bo and Luke around the farm. At one point, Luke gets cornered, but manages to outrun 3 or 4 bullets. What's wrong? You don't believe he could? I'll bet I could if I was that scared. In fact, I could run circles around old Bo. He only outran two bullets.
What happens next is like a cross between Deliverence and Apocolypse Now, only this seemed to take a lot longer. You've got bad guys with guns and Duke boys with bows and arrows running around in the woods. McQuad backs up to Boss Hogg's car (you know he can sniff out anything over $50 from 10 miles away) and Boss chastises him for using guns, adding that nobody needs to get hurt and orders him back to Atlanta.
That doesn't work, but Roscoe shows up and shoots one of the bad guys in the toe. As Enos handcuffs him to the Dukes' porch, he informs him that, "You won't play football no more, boy." This buys time for the Dukes to make up a dynamite arrow, Luke and McQuade have a standoff, Bo jumps McQuade, then Luke proceeds to dynamite Cooter's car for no good reason. You know, pretty standard stuff. There's a lack of evidence, you can blow up what you want as longs as you don't have shine or guns, etc.
Friends, that's how the Dukes helped to steal a stolen $118,254.37 for someone who was 14 minutes and 37 seconds old, and I'd figure unable to really appreciate it. Remember old Cooter? Well guess what he got. That's right, he gets to do what he loves, work with his hands, and try to put back together the charred bits of his car that are scattered over half of the county. That boy sure is lucky to have friends like the Dukes.

Episode 2: Daisy's Song

Last night on the Dukes, Daisy finds a rich, crooked, horny, middle aged man and tells him that she wants to be a star. He decides that he thinks she's star material and the trouble begins.

The way this all started was that the Dukes heard a song that Daisy wrote on the radio being sung by country music star Jesse Colter. She's sent fifty dollars to Atlanta after seeing an add in a magazine. Friends, she got took. Like Uncle Jesse said, 'That place ain't been right since Sherman burned it."

So Bo, Luke and Daisy pile into the General Lee and head off for Atlanta to confront Mr. Starr of Starr Records and get to see a .44 magnum waived at them. They leave and Bo and Luke sneak back in as the FBI raids the place. Boss Hogg was hiding out in a back room with a receptionist that looked like Shelly Dubinski on his lap. Bo and Luke grab what they think is the tape of Daisy's song and take off, nailing a police car on the way out. The FBI guys chase them into a junkyard, failing to realize that the Dukes are such gear heads that they know every junkyard like a lover's face. They get wrecked, too.

Now, Boss Hogg was born on the dirt floor of a sharecropper's shack it's been downhill ever since. Wouldn't you just know that he was behind the record piracy? The Dukes take the tape home and hear Waylon Jennings songs that they didn't know existed because they don't. It's only when the Dukes go see Jesses Colter that they find out the songs are phonies and sung by impersonators to make illegal bootleg recordings.

After planning outside of the Mellow Mushroom, Daisy gets dressed like its 137 degrees outside and plays a tape that Jesse Colter got made for them for Mr. Starr. It has the real Jesse Colter, Loretta Lynn, and some other she-neanderthal named Donna Fargo. Haww, it's so good that Starr and Boss Hogg decide to bring in the syndicate to Boss Hogg's recording studio and record plant. Meanwhile the FBI goes to see Roscoe who plays dumb and acts naturally at the same time. He and Boss decide to pin in on the Dukes and just two episodes in, I see a bad habit developing.

Another thing that I'm starting to see is that the Dukes always seem to have a plan. So they go to see Luke's ex-girlfriend and the rest of the drunken hookers which share a very cozy and sanitary looking winnebage that's stuffed to the gills with drunken hookers. Suddenly everyone is following everyone else down the road for all of the wrong reasons. Starr and his goon are in the front with Daisy, headed for the recording studio. The Duke boys are behind them, and I reckon they do know why their following who their following. Behind them is the FBI, but the Dukes think it's Starr's goons. Behind them is the winnebago full of drunken hookers.

In the middle of all this, Roscoe and Enos swoop in and nab the Duke boys. It looks like they're going away for a long time for breaking probation and record piracy. I must be as crazy as an outhouse rat to think that it's the end. They dynamite Enos' car and take off.

Lots of guitar pickin' and drivin' later, the bad guys, Boss Hogg, the mafia (who complain about the location because there are no alleys and sewers to hide in), and the Dukes all show up at the recording studio. Now, some plans are so simple that they're genius. They use the winnebago full of drunken hookers to come and lure everyone outside and dynamite the studio as well. Everyone walks, on account of a lack of evidence. The FBI men stand around looking at the smoking crater in the ground and scratch their heads. As for Daisy, she never did get her fifty dollars back. I wonder what two sticks of dynamite cost. On the plus side, Jesse Colter did record her song for real. Come to think of it, she apparently didn't give Daisy jack squat, either. I wonder what'll happen to her.

Episode 1: One Armed Bandits

Episode 1: One Armed Bandits

Well, I've been away for a while but I've picked myself up, dusted myself off and it's good to back among you kind friends. Last night's episode was the very first and to those of you who are new to all of this I say welcome to Hazzard County.

The show begins with Bo and Luke chasing the sheriff's patrol car in typical spectacular fashion. Within 10 seconds we see two cars jump and are introduced to Bo and Luke. They fight the system. I suppose they do, chasing the sheriff's car and all.

Friends, things aren't always quite as simple as they seem in Hazzard County. It turns out that they're chasing Cooter in Roscoe's car. You see, Cooter is a bit crazier in the earlier episodes. I can't wait to see what he does next. Here, he flips Roscoe's car and rolls it into a ditch. When Bo and Luke give him a bit of grief, he explains how things came to be as they were. Earlier that day, Cooter borrowed the General Lee (Roscoe impounded his car) and ran Roscoe off the road 'to make him mad'. Then, when Roscoe jumped out, Cooter stole his car. Got all that?

Roscoe is introduced as an honest lawman whose pension was voted out in a county referendum. Being poor and close to retirement age is what turned him crooked. You know, I wonder if the balladeer managed to get that out with a straight face. Anyhow, Roscoe's remedy is to take up with the only man in town rich enough to feed his fat sister, Lulu. He must be very rich in that he can feed himself, too. That man is JD 'Boss' Hogg.

In addition to taking moonshine and embezzlement payoffs, Roscoe is overseeing the delivery of Boss Hogg's new slot machines. Roscoe complains that he's not getting a big enough cut of the action and Boss Hogg backs him down by saying that he's overpaid any debt by marrying Boss's wife, Roscoe's fat sister, Lulu. Y'all know what? I always wondered how that worked.

Meanwhile, Bo and Luke are hitting on a girl in town who's working to save the orphanage. She'd come to see Uncle Jesse for his regular contribution. We meet Daisy at the Boar's Nest; the most happening joint in town. Why, they even charge a dollar cover just to keep the riff raff out. Seems they might want to up that cover fee because there's a guy getting fresh with Daisy and spouting off about bringing slot machines into town. I'll tell you what, I just hate it when people don't act right towards sweet Daisy. It sure is a good thing that she not only knows the words to all the Dolly Parton songs, but she can also fight. She beats the guy up and the Dukes have a good laugh.

By now, we all know that the Dukes enjoy a good laugh like a drunk monkey in a banana crate so they round up Cooter, two other guys that are so damn entertaining we never see them again, Daisy in a red bikini, and hijack the shipment of slot machines. Yes, close your eyes for a moment. It's the red bikini and same scene they use in the opening credits. Now if some of you fellows have come back into your senses, I'd like to move on. Funny thing about that is that neither of the guys in the truck were in the Boar's Nest.

So they stash the slot machines in the Duke's barn. Hilarious, ain't it? Well, old Uncle Jesse didn't think so. He goes nuts and talks about how the Dukes don't get involved in any gambling. Never did and never will. Now, I just think he might be cranky about how the Duke boys got nailed on a shine run last year and Jesse had to enter an agreement with the 'US of A federal government' to get them off on probation.

Right about now, I'm thinking about that dang fool Cooter. You folks remember how he flipped Roscoe's car? Well, nobody ever did or does a single thing about it. Shucks, if I start drinking more, I just might pack up and head for Hazzard.

So they spread the slot machines around town with a large cut of the winnings to go to the local orphanage. Boss doesn't want to see this because he wants the land for a shopping center.

You know that Roscoe is plain dumb, but he ain't that dumb. He finds out about it and throws Daisy in jail. Okay, who won the pool and reckoned that Daisy'd be the first one thrown in jail? Yeah, I thought so. While she's in the clink, we meet Enos ' the oldest virgin in Hazzard'. Daisy beats up a female guard, who's also so damn entertaining that we never see her again, and the cops take off after Uncle Jesse in a wig. Think that'd fool you?

To wrap it up, Roscoe and Enos set up a sting to catch the Dukes with a slot machine. They jump Roscoe once, ride around, talk on the CB and eventually let Roscoe catch them at the front of the orphanage. Here they have a big celebration set up to honor Roscoe, who's been given credit for saving the orphanage and, folks, that's how the Dukes got off scott free, the children had a place to say (hell of a lot of orphans for that small a town) and Roscoe won in his bid to be re-elected as sheriff. Oh yeah, did I mention that Roscoe was up for re-election? He beat out Honest John Ledbetter. There's a lot going on in Hazzard and I'll try to do a better job of staying on top of things next time.

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