Episode 1: One Armed Bandits

Episode 1: One Armed Bandits

Well, I've been away for a while but I've picked myself up, dusted myself off and it's good to back among you kind friends. Last night's episode was the very first and to those of you who are new to all of this I say welcome to Hazzard County.

The show begins with Bo and Luke chasing the sheriff's patrol car in typical spectacular fashion. Within 10 seconds we see two cars jump and are introduced to Bo and Luke. They fight the system. I suppose they do, chasing the sheriff's car and all.

Friends, things aren't always quite as simple as they seem in Hazzard County. It turns out that they're chasing Cooter in Roscoe's car. You see, Cooter is a bit crazier in the earlier episodes. I can't wait to see what he does next. Here, he flips Roscoe's car and rolls it into a ditch. When Bo and Luke give him a bit of grief, he explains how things came to be as they were. Earlier that day, Cooter borrowed the General Lee (Roscoe impounded his car) and ran Roscoe off the road 'to make him mad'. Then, when Roscoe jumped out, Cooter stole his car. Got all that?

Roscoe is introduced as an honest lawman whose pension was voted out in a county referendum. Being poor and close to retirement age is what turned him crooked. You know, I wonder if the balladeer managed to get that out with a straight face. Anyhow, Roscoe's remedy is to take up with the only man in town rich enough to feed his fat sister, Lulu. He must be very rich in that he can feed himself, too. That man is JD 'Boss' Hogg.

In addition to taking moonshine and embezzlement payoffs, Roscoe is overseeing the delivery of Boss Hogg's new slot machines. Roscoe complains that he's not getting a big enough cut of the action and Boss Hogg backs him down by saying that he's overpaid any debt by marrying Boss's wife, Roscoe's fat sister, Lulu. Y'all know what? I always wondered how that worked.

Meanwhile, Bo and Luke are hitting on a girl in town who's working to save the orphanage. She'd come to see Uncle Jesse for his regular contribution. We meet Daisy at the Boar's Nest; the most happening joint in town. Why, they even charge a dollar cover just to keep the riff raff out. Seems they might want to up that cover fee because there's a guy getting fresh with Daisy and spouting off about bringing slot machines into town. I'll tell you what, I just hate it when people don't act right towards sweet Daisy. It sure is a good thing that she not only knows the words to all the Dolly Parton songs, but she can also fight. She beats the guy up and the Dukes have a good laugh.

By now, we all know that the Dukes enjoy a good laugh like a drunk monkey in a banana crate so they round up Cooter, two other guys that are so damn entertaining we never see them again, Daisy in a red bikini, and hijack the shipment of slot machines. Yes, close your eyes for a moment. It's the red bikini and same scene they use in the opening credits. Now if some of you fellows have come back into your senses, I'd like to move on. Funny thing about that is that neither of the guys in the truck were in the Boar's Nest.

So they stash the slot machines in the Duke's barn. Hilarious, ain't it? Well, old Uncle Jesse didn't think so. He goes nuts and talks about how the Dukes don't get involved in any gambling. Never did and never will. Now, I just think he might be cranky about how the Duke boys got nailed on a shine run last year and Jesse had to enter an agreement with the 'US of A federal government' to get them off on probation.

Right about now, I'm thinking about that dang fool Cooter. You folks remember how he flipped Roscoe's car? Well, nobody ever did or does a single thing about it. Shucks, if I start drinking more, I just might pack up and head for Hazzard.

So they spread the slot machines around town with a large cut of the winnings to go to the local orphanage. Boss doesn't want to see this because he wants the land for a shopping center.

You know that Roscoe is plain dumb, but he ain't that dumb. He finds out about it and throws Daisy in jail. Okay, who won the pool and reckoned that Daisy'd be the first one thrown in jail? Yeah, I thought so. While she's in the clink, we meet Enos ' the oldest virgin in Hazzard'. Daisy beats up a female guard, who's also so damn entertaining that we never see her again, and the cops take off after Uncle Jesse in a wig. Think that'd fool you?

To wrap it up, Roscoe and Enos set up a sting to catch the Dukes with a slot machine. They jump Roscoe once, ride around, talk on the CB and eventually let Roscoe catch them at the front of the orphanage. Here they have a big celebration set up to honor Roscoe, who's been given credit for saving the orphanage and, folks, that's how the Dukes got off scott free, the children had a place to say (hell of a lot of orphans for that small a town) and Roscoe won in his bid to be re-elected as sheriff. Oh yeah, did I mention that Roscoe was up for re-election? He beat out Honest John Ledbetter. There's a lot going on in Hazzard and I'll try to do a better job of staying on top of things next time.